Dread

January5

The anxiety is really bad tonight. Not sure where this crushing sense of dread is coming from. School? Class starts the day after tomorrow. I found out today that the classroom is one where all the seats are chairs with the desks attached to them. They fit tiny people. I am not tiny people.

Last year, I dealt with being in the same kind of classroom by having my therapist contact someone in administration to place an actual desk with an actual chair in the room at the front. I made sure I was always a few minutes early so I could snag it. I was so determined to be there and to do well that I just ignored the fact it must have been obvious to everyone why the new chair and table was there and why I always sat in it.

This year? I feel like I just can’t. I can’t be the difficult one, the weak one, the special one, the one that needs to be accommodated… I just can’t! I’m so sick of it. I’m so tired. I know there is so much in my life to be thankful for and please believe me when I say I am, but I feel like everything is so broken! I feel like a complete mess. Completely out of control.

It’s so bad tonight that I’m even thinking of dropping the one course I am signed up for this semester. It’s Greek. I’m seriously behind in it. I should be in my second year of it and instead I’m only halfway through first-year Greek.

I have three Incompletes[1] to finish up in the next few weeks and I kind of think being in another course would help me stay on track as far as getting to the library and spending time away from the computer and endless distractions at home. Trust me, my reasoning on this is sound. Between the internet and cable, I could entertain myself for a thousand years.

But what if I just stayed home? I can do the work I need to do without actually being enrolled at the university. I could work on all the countless projects and issues and broken things that are in desperate need of attention. It would be the first semester off in two solid years.

Neither one of them sounds good right now. Maybe things will look better in the morning.

  1. Incomplete Grade Contract: I filed for an incomplete grade last semester, which means I have to finish three research papers and a final exam in the next two months to get credit for my three courses last semester. [↩]
Filed under Academic Endeavours, The Deep Dark
2 Comments to

“Dread”

  1. Avatar January 6th, 2009 at 8:30 PM Lujza Says:

    I so know what you mean about feeling totally out of control…I’m trying to keep things in check but….they’re slipping away. It certainly doesn’t help that I can’t sleep at night and my head pounds.

    I’m praying for ya!
  2. Avatar January 7th, 2009 at 12:24 AM Ishi Says:

    Baby,

    I think I know what you mean. It’s like you’re travelling on a long straight road, and up ahead there’s a fork. The left fork leads straight off a cliff, and the other one is a winding road but is safe if you just go slow enough. The only problem is that there are no do-overs, and you want to make sure you make the right choice the first time. I have a favourite piece of advice for these situations, although it is a bit simple: Leave it with God.

    K-I-S-S
  • Project Timekeeper Box:
    Making (painting and setting up) my very own Big Box of ADHD for a fun way to manage my own time and projects! I've bought a box with 9 drawers to use.



I’m here because I’m lonely. I’m here because people who are lonely in the same way I am lonely have a very hard time finding each other. .

Being hearing impaired / deaf is lonely.
Having bipolar disorder is lonely.
Being an undergraduate student in your mid-thirties is lonely.
Being a Biblical Studies major is lonely.
Being infertile is lonely.

And even though it shouldn’t be, being desperately in love with God is sometimes the loneliest feeling there is.

So there it is. I’m dropping any attempt to be slick or intellectual or one of the cool kids. I’m just here to share the things I struggle with, the things I’m trying to understand and the things I am learning.