Tonight’s the night! I decided to write this all out and then wait for the little “connected” icon to show up. Hah! The smarts, I has them!

Okay. We (well I, but I’m taking you along for the ride) have begun to consider Don Whitney’s Ten Questions for the New Year. I was going to do one a day, but I might revisit that timeline. They are very good questions, and, in the spirit of very good questions, they demand a fair amount of prayerful consideration. So! Withough further do, the first question:

What’s one thing you could do this year to increase your enjoyment of God?

I struggled with this question for hours. I had some great answers spring to mind immediately, but upon reading the question a bit closer, the word “enjoyment” popped off the page.

Enjoyment?

I enjoy so much in this world. Great food, laughing till I leak, pulling an all nighter on a programming project, the well-turned phrase, taking photographs, my husband’s goofy nature, hours-long conversations with my beloved parents… the list could circle the moon.

But God? Enjoyment? I must admit I’ve never considered whether I was enjoying God or not. My focus is always on whether I’m pleasing God. Whether I’m doing what God wants, whether I’m adhering to God’s will or being stubborn about getting my own way. I can honestly say I have woken up in the middle of the night in agony, worried about whether I’m truly a good servant to our Lord. It is literally one of the most important things in my life. I care about these things because I love God so very, very much.

I love God with to the point of breathlessness, to the point of tears streaming down my face. During worship, I used to be so embarrassed at how teary-eyed I’d get during those beautiful hymns, prayers and sermons. Every Sunday that I go to church, I pause before I put on makeup, wondering if it’s worth it when I just know that somewhere between the Agnus Dei and the Nunc Dimittis, it will be a soggy smear on a kleenex in my hand. But I’m not embarrassed anymore. God’s presence chokes me up. It’s a powerful thing, and far from being shy about it, I now feel grateful for how bare and exposed my heart has become in front of Him, that I am so easily reduced to humility and tears of gladness at His beauty and love.

But all of that is more of a gut response to Him rather than enjoyment. I love God deeply, desire to serve God intensely. So where is this enjoyment? I have to say, the idea baffles me and I can see how that signals a lack of something in my relationship with our Father.

Therefore, for this year, the answer to this question would have to be: “Reflect on and pray about God’s desire for us to enjoy him, that I might understand how to do so.”