Down

May16

I can feel it coming. Feel myself slipping. It’s like that terrible panicky moment just before you really fall, when you haven’t yet but you can’t see any way to stop yourself. I truly hate whatever blackness seizes me at these times.

Falling, getting hit, impact of any kind would actually be merciful. There is nothing like this agony of falling in slow motion, each terrifying, hopeless moment dragged out over days and weeks instead of the single moment it should be.

It shouldn’t be happening in May. Winter should be over. I need it to be over.

Down… fell by the wayside
No getting out, oh

Down… Cry me a river
Dried up and damned

The names can be changed
But the place is still the same

I am loaded, told that all’s for naught
Holds me down

Rise… Life is in motion
I’m stuck in line, oh

Rise… You can’t be neutral
On a moving train

One day, symptoms fade
Think I’ll throw these pills away

And if hope could grow from dirt like me
It can be done

Wont let the light escape from me
Wont let the darkness swallow me

Down, Lost Dogs, Pearl Jam.

Filed under The Deep Dark

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I’m here because I’m lonely. I’m here because people who are lonely in the same way I am lonely have a very hard time finding each other. .

Being hearing impaired / deaf is lonely.
Having bipolar disorder is lonely.
Being an undergraduate student in your mid-thirties is lonely.
Being a Biblical Studies major is lonely.
Being infertile is lonely.

And even though it shouldn’t be, being desperately in love with God is sometimes the loneliest feeling there is.

So there it is. I’m dropping any attempt to be slick or intellectual or one of the cool kids. I’m just here to share the things I struggle with, the things I’m trying to understand and the things I am learning.