The Last Night of 2009
1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
I broke my Diet Coke habit. I also went without caffeine altogether for close to two months. Had two of my wisdom teeth out. Asked my doctor for anti-anxiety meds; a very big deal since I am very anti-medication for my mental/emotional issues. I’ve only taken one, though.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t do resolutions as most people know them. Instead, I prefer to renew my commitment to several core principles, most of which seem to fall right in line with the Shema (Deuteronomy 6:4-9). Especially the part which says, “love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.” Some other core principles I intend to focus on this coming year are the finer points of being a wife who honours her husband, and the idea of giving my expectations to God. Dreaming and planning are wonderful, but I need to be more comfortable with things not going how I expect. Instead, I resolve to focus on my reactions being in line with trusting in God.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, but we conceived for the second time ever, in October of this year.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes… the baby stopped growing and we lost her at almost 6 weeks.
5. What countries did you visit?
Just the US this year. Texas is better than most places I’ve been!
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Money! No, I’m just saying that because we’re so skint right now. It’s been a rough couple of years. In 2010, I would love some stability and peace. I would love some of my exuberance and passion back too, please. I felt strangely numb for most of 2009 and I would really rather not get too comfortable with that state of being.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 11 ~ For the first time in my life, I simply could not rally and do what needed to be done, at enormous professional and personal cost. For the first time, I truly gave up and did not even try. For me, it was necessary to know what giving up would do to me. It gave me the impetus to try again later in the year.
March 9 ~ I had surgery to remove an “irregularity” in my uterine lining that was supposed to be the answer to all my reproductive woes. I woke up from that surgery absolutely euphoric.
March 10, 11, 12 ~ Instead of taking time to recover from that surgery, I was forced to clean house and open my door and/or watch as they strolled right in without knocking multiple times a day because the landlords put the house on the market. Watching people traipse through my apartment while I sat in pain on the couch in a blanket was just awful.
June 30 ~ I finished HKIN 190 at TWU and got my first post-secondary A+ ever!
September 16 ~ Two words. Dry. Sockets.
October 21 ~ two days after the one-year anniversary of losing Nathaniel, I got a BFP. I very nearly fainted with shock and joy.
November 2 ~ The doctor called me as we were driving to class. The third beta-HCG fell instead of doubling. The baby is not going to make it. For a little while, I wasn’t sure I would, either.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
All my achievements this year were amazing to me: I quit my 4-or-5-cans-a-day Diet Coke habit, I quit eating several pounds of chocolate a week (yes, that’s pounds… pounds of chocolate), I kicked caffeine for two months and can do it again, I created and followed a menu plan full of healthy meals for 8 whole weeks, and I got pregnant for the second time[1]. But I think the two that are vying for the top spot are these:
1. I had a major turnaround regarding a huge issue in my marriage. We were absolutely stonewalled and in a very bad place because Ishi wanted to start a business and I didn’t want him to. I simply didn’t trust he would be able to succeed and I wanted him to stay at his job (which has awesome benefits and which was slowly draining him of the will to live). During the few glorious weeks of my pregnancy, I suddenly realized that the little girl[2] growing inside me was going to have Ishi for a father. That she and her potential siblings would learn about life and living from Ishi and that the way in which he provides for his family would be a fundamental example of a lot of life’s lessons for them. All of a sudden, the penny dropped and I realized I wanted them to not be afraid to strike out and try new things. I never, ever wanted them to trade little pieces of their souls for a job they hated but which was comfortable and paid well. And yet what was I asking Ishi to do? So after almost a year of stalemate and bitterness, I did a complete one-eighty and told Ishi he had my support for the business he wants to start.
2. I managed to stay in school, and stay engaged with my courses, my professor and God despite a horrific experience getting two wisdom teeth extracted which resulted in two dry sockets, and the second miscarriage in a year. I will always believe God carries us when we just can’t go on, because I have no idea how I kept going. In each of the two courses I took, I earned an A-.
9. What was your biggest failure?
You know, I’m honestly not sure. All I can think of are the typical failings I have: forgetting to trust God, refusing to believe in myself, and giving up too easily. However, I made such tangible progress in even those areas that I can’t help but feel I failed a lot less this year than ever before.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
See above. Dry sockets, miscarriage, and then just when I thought 2009 was done kicking my ass, I fell in the shower yesterday. I have a bruise that goes from my ass to my knee and many other injuries that don’t show until I try to walk. But not a single cold, and no swine flu!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Hmmmmmm… we bought lots and lots of stuff early in the year. Mostly furniture, and a notebook for Ishi which he very generously shared with me for school. I would be hard-pressed to come up with the one single best thing, though. Oh! Our car. There you go. We bought our little 1993 Chevy in January and it is awesome.
Oof. I really wanted to finish this tonight, but I am not the night owl I used to be and my jammies are calling. I usually feel like it’s bad luck to spend any time on New Year’s Day looking back, but what the hell. All of my other notions have been turned on their heads; why not this one? So, until tomorrow… bonsoir!
