And there’s nothing wrong with any of that, to a degree. However, I just read over the last couple of weeks of posts and I don’t feel that they do even a passable job of what I created this blog to do.

I’m here because I’m lonely. I’m here because people who are lonely the way I am lonely have a very hard time finding each other. I’m here because I have spent many a three o’clock in the morning typing in one search phrase after another, hoping to find someone else who is fighting some of the same fights I am. I’m here because I found so many strong women, beautiful women, hurting women, bravely writing down the nitty gritty details of their struggles and these stories helped sustain me. I’m here because I hope that I might sustain someone else even as I myself am still supported by the words of the people I have found who will share such private battles with the lonely souls still awake at three o’clock in the morning.

Being hearing impaired is lonely.
Having bipolar disorder is lonely.
Being an undergraduate student in your mid-thirties is lonely.
Being a Biblical Studies major is lonely.
Being infertile is lonely.

And even though it shouldn’t be, being desperately in love with God is sometimes the loneliest feeling there is.

So there it is. I’m dropping any attempt to be slick or intellectual or one of the cool kids. I’m just here to share the things I struggle with, the things I’m trying to understand and the things I am learning.

And I am actually learning more than usual these days, now that my HK!N 190 class has started! I love being back on campus. Love it. I am a little unsure of how I feel about summer courses, though – tomorrow is the end of the first week and we’re having our midterm exam. Whoa! It really does feel like being on fast forward. I’m very much looking forward to the weekend. I wonder if it will feel longer than usual or if it will fly by like the week did?

The problem is, I took a semester off from school to recoup after the loss of a pregnancy that we’d waited eight years for, and the loss of my Nana in the same week. I thought I would write more about my grief, but it’s been too hard to expose most of those thoughts and feelings. In the nature of my totem animal, the rabbit, my instinct is to sit very still and hope I remain unnoticed by my predators.

Without school to write about, and with very little happening in my life besides my obsession with all things TTC and healing my poor broken heart, I fear this blog has gotten off to a fairly boring and pointless start.

God has blessed me tremendously with the opportunity to take a summer course at TWU which begins on Monday. Instead of writing about it or even thinking about it, I’m allowing myself to be endlessly distracted by a parade of things that honestly have nothing to do with anything.

I’m not sure if I’m depressed, or…

…relaxed.

Last year, I dealt with being in the same kind of classroom by having my therapist contact someone in administration to place an actual desk with an actual chair in the room at the front. I made sure I was always a few minutes early so I could snag it. I was so determined to be there and to do well that I just ignored the fact it must have been obvious to everyone why the new chair and table was there and why I always sat in it.

This year? I feel like I just can’t. I can’t be the difficult one, the weak one, the special one, the one that needs to be accommodated… I just can’t! I’m so sick of it. I’m so tired. I know there is so much in my life to be thankful for and please believe me when I say I am, but I feel like everything is so broken! I feel like a complete mess. Completely out of control.

It’s so bad tonight that I’m even thinking of dropping the one course I am signed up for this semester. It’s Greek. I’m seriously behind in it. I should be in my second year of it and instead I’m only halfway through first-year Greek.

I have three Incompletes^[1] to finish up in the next few weeks and I kind of think being in another course would help me stay on track as far as getting to the library and spending time away from the computer and endless distractions at home. Trust me, my reasoning on this is sound. Between the internet and cable, I could entertain myself for a thousand years.

But what if I just stayed home? I can do the work I need to do without actually being enrolled at the university. I could work on all the countless projects and issues and broken things that are in desperate need of attention. It would be the first semester off in two solid years.

Neither one of them sounds good right now. Maybe things will look better in the morning.

1. Incomplete Grade Contract: I filed for an incomplete grade last semester, which means I have to finish three research papers and a final exam in the next two months to get credit for my three courses last semester.