I think I’m just going to accept that May is not my NaBloPoMo month, and try again another time. A strange thing happens when I sit down to write something, anything, because the clock is ticking and I want to go to bed but I haven’t posted and I must! post! because NaBloPoMo! I don’t like to feel like I failed, so I keep trying and then I start posting long rambles off the top of my head or cute YouTube videos.

And there’s nothing wrong with any of that, to a degree. However, I just read over the last couple of weeks of posts and I don’t feel that they do even a passable job of what I created this blog to do.

I’m here because I’m lonely. I’m here because people who are lonely the way I am lonely have a very hard time finding each other. I’m here because I have spent many a three o’clock in the morning typing in one search phrase after another, hoping to find someone else who is fighting some of the same fights I am. I’m here because I found so many strong women, beautiful women, hurting women, bravely writing down the nitty gritty details of their struggles and these stories helped sustain me. I’m here because I hope that I might sustain someone else even as I myself am still supported by the words of the people I have found who will share such private battles with the lonely souls still awake at three o’clock in the morning.

Being hearing impaired is lonely.
Having bipolar disorder is lonely.
Being an undergraduate student in your mid-thirties is lonely.
Being a Biblical Studies major is lonely.
Being infertile is lonely.

And even though it shouldn’t be, being desperately in love with God is sometimes the loneliest feeling there is.

So there it is. I’m dropping any attempt to be slick or intellectual or one of the cool kids. I’m just here to share the things I struggle with, the things I’m trying to understand and the things I am learning.

And I am actually learning more than usual these days, now that my HK!N 190 class has started! I love being back on campus. Love it. I am a little unsure of how I feel about summer courses, though – tomorrow is the end of the first week and we’re having our midterm exam. Whoa! It really does feel like being on fast forward. I’m very much looking forward to the weekend. I wonder if it will feel longer than usual or if it will fly by like the week did?

The whole point of this blog was share my life as a thirtysomething Biblical Studies major at Trin*ity We$tern University, my tottering steps as I walk with God, and the things that matter to me and happen to me, and some of the things I think about.

The problem is, I took a semester off from school to recoup after the loss of a pregnancy that we’d waited eight years for, and the loss of my Nana in the same week. I thought I would write more about my grief, but it’s been too hard to expose most of those thoughts and feelings. In the nature of my totem animal, the rabbit, my instinct is to sit very still and hope I remain unnoticed by my predators.

Without school to write about, and with very little happening in my life besides my obsession with all things TTC and healing my poor broken heart, I fear this blog has gotten off to a fairly boring and pointless start.

God has blessed me tremendously with the opportunity to take a summer course at TWU which begins on Monday. Instead of writing about it or even thinking about it, I’m allowing myself to be endlessly distracted by a parade of things that honestly have nothing to do with anything.

I’m not sure if I’m depressed, or…

…relaxed.

There’s been a lot of quiet in my life lately. I certainly have no complaints about that; quiet was in short supply most of last year.

It’s just that quiet, sweet as it is, doesn’t always lend itself to interesting blogging!

I have wasted almost two solid hours at this site: Passive Aggressive Notes (wait, before you follow that link, there are quite a few posts and comments [actually, the posts are pretty tame. It's the comments!] with extreme language and adult themes – and that’s saying it VERY nicely, so you know, be warned and all that), a website that has people sending in the notes angry people have scribbled to others about muffin stealing and cleaning up after themselves… you know the kind! If you’ve ever had a roomie or worked somewhere they have cubicles or been to college, you will have seen dozens of them. I literally have sore sides from laughing so much. People are insane.

But now it’s way past my bedtime and I can’t think of what to write that would be worth reading. This is possibly a compelling reason to begin posting earlier in the day, yes? Then I might be able to disguise the fact that my extraordinary talent seems to be for wasting time!

Apparently, I am not actually destined to answer Question No. 1 tonight. No. Instead, it seems I am meant to sit and watch my internet / server / network connection take turns spinning for minutes on end and then erasing everything I’ve done so far.

Well. I didn’t write the menu for tonight’s events, but if I’ve got to eat off it, then I’m ordering a peppermint hot chocolate and bedtime for dessert! See you tomorrow!