At some point, this will be an even sorer regret than it is now… so I must! But what can I do? How shall I do it? When… alas… there she slips, through the open kitchen door and into the seductive day once again.

And there’s nothing wrong with any of that, to a degree. However, I just read over the last couple of weeks of posts and I don’t feel that they do even a passable job of what I created this blog to do.

I’m here because I’m lonely. I’m here because people who are lonely the way I am lonely have a very hard time finding each other. I’m here because I have spent many a three o’clock in the morning typing in one search phrase after another, hoping to find someone else who is fighting some of the same fights I am. I’m here because I found so many strong women, beautiful women, hurting women, bravely writing down the nitty gritty details of their struggles and these stories helped sustain me. I’m here because I hope that I might sustain someone else even as I myself am still supported by the words of the people I have found who will share such private battles with the lonely souls still awake at three o’clock in the morning.

Being hearing impaired is lonely.
Having bipolar disorder is lonely.
Being an undergraduate student in your mid-thirties is lonely.
Being a Biblical Studies major is lonely.
Being infertile is lonely.

And even though it shouldn’t be, being desperately in love with God is sometimes the loneliest feeling there is.

So there it is. I’m dropping any attempt to be slick or intellectual or one of the cool kids. I’m just here to share the things I struggle with, the things I’m trying to understand and the things I am learning.

And I am actually learning more than usual these days, now that my HK!N 190 class has started! I love being back on campus. Love it. I am a little unsure of how I feel about summer courses, though – tomorrow is the end of the first week and we’re having our midterm exam. Whoa! It really does feel like being on fast forward. I’m very much looking forward to the weekend. I wonder if it will feel longer than usual or if it will fly by like the week did?

The problem is, I took a semester off from school to recoup after the loss of a pregnancy that we’d waited eight years for, and the loss of my Nana in the same week. I thought I would write more about my grief, but it’s been too hard to expose most of those thoughts and feelings. In the nature of my totem animal, the rabbit, my instinct is to sit very still and hope I remain unnoticed by my predators.

Without school to write about, and with very little happening in my life besides my obsession with all things TTC and healing my poor broken heart, I fear this blog has gotten off to a fairly boring and pointless start.

God has blessed me tremendously with the opportunity to take a summer course at TWU which begins on Monday. Instead of writing about it or even thinking about it, I’m allowing myself to be endlessly distracted by a parade of things that honestly have nothing to do with anything.

I’m not sure if I’m depressed, or…

…relaxed.

It’s just that quiet, sweet as it is, doesn’t always lend itself to interesting blogging!

But now it’s way past my bedtime and I can’t think of what to write that would be worth reading. This is possibly a compelling reason to begin posting earlier in the day, yes? Then I might be able to disguise the fact that my extraordinary talent seems to be for wasting time!

Well. I didn’t write the menu for tonight’s events, but if I’ve got to eat off it, then I’m ordering a peppermint hot chocolate and bedtime for dessert! See you tomorrow!

The last couple of years have seen a return to university and November became a month of writing essays, term papers, exams, and so on. NaNoWriMo was no longer feasible, and even though it’s been completely worth it to be occupied with school instead, well, I kind of missed the madness.

Enter NaBloPoMo! During November when everyone else was writing a novel, we who were not in that place in our lives could work on posting on our blogs every day for a month! What with the site, the blogrolls, and the novelty, it worked well and I loved it. And then, of course, all the people who missed the boat or couldn’t commit or have no patience got to vote somehow and NaBloPoMo got changed to an every-month thing. Which kind of negated the whole idea, I thought. NaNoWriMo is about getting you to bash through walls and fling yourself over hurdles you haven’t made it past the whole year since last November. If it was every month, it would sort of be… well… the same as every month you’re trying to write a book. It wouldn’t make things different. I felt (and still kind of feel) that NaBloPoMo should have tried to retain the essence of NaNoWriMo. But like Christianity, it kind of split off and started doing things its own way because the “point” as they interpreted it was different.

However. As someone who recognizes themselves as a bit reluctant to embrace new ideas and ways of doing things, I decided to give this month a shot. Sure it’s January and it’s ALL WRONG to be doing anything that begins with Na and ends in Mo, but you know, maybe the stratosphere won’t crumble overnight just because someone had an idea to do it differently.

But if it does, I so know who to blame.

Anyway, I have committed to posting on this blog every single day for the month of January. In addition, to overcome the lack of community I’m sensing, I’ve thought up a little caveat I can add to the original goal. I am going to visit every single site on the January NaBloPoMo Blogroll and try to leave a comment! Two exceptions: I won’t sign up for a new account on any site just to leave a comment, and I won’t comment on a blog if I am totally put off by it, for example, if it’s full of hate or anti-anything writing. Actually, there’s one more exception: ads. I know a lot of people are feeling a crunch these days and are looking for ways to keep those ends meeting, but if a blog looks, feels and sounds like its main purpose is to be an ad vehicle, the writing needs to grab me within a couple of sentences or I tend to leave pretty quickly.

I will begin with the Zs and move up through the list alphabetically because otherwise I have no idea how I would keep track of where I left off. Also, I’m going backwards because I bet those blogs always get looked at last if at all, because that’s what happens to the later-letters when being listed alphabetically. Trust me on this. I have sat through enough roll calls as a later-letter name to know!

The next step is to figure out how to keep track of this little project in my sidebar. I think it’s going to be fun!

But then, I am a geek, after all.

*sigh*

I always want to be incredibly original and fresh… then either everyone else copies me or I find out I’ve inadvertently copied someone else. Then there are the times I do manage awesome freshness and I start to worry that something is wrong with what I’m doing because I’m the only one!

See, with a brain that reasons like that, it almost makes sense that I would have bipolar disorder! Maybe I should just figure out how to design themes my own self.

Still in the cold clutches of dread tonight and yet dealing with it is the last thing I want to do.

I’m not shooting for total anonymity here, I just don’t want people to be able to link this or any other blog with my real-life self. Don’t get me wrong. I stand by everything I say. I would never try to be completely anonymous and thus avoid all responsibility for my words. I just feel it’s a bit of an unfair advantage when people who have seen you at work or school or church or even accepted an application for an apartment from you go home and Google you to their heart’s content. If I could turn around and peek in their underwear drawer, well then, it would be all right!

OK. I’ve been up for 24 hours. I’m not entirely sure any of this will still seem like a good idea on the other side of a good long nap, so I better scoot!