I want this to be it. I want this to be the last new beginning for a really long time. I once said in some other journal somewhere that I am sick of beginnings. I’m so sick of base camp, LIFE 101, the bottom of the mountain, the bottom rung, the first step of a thousand-mile journey, Level One, prolegomena, all that absolute beginner crap. What I want now is to know what the rest of it looks like. I want to know what it’s like to be in the middle of something. To be halfway done, almost done, and then done! It must be a better feeling than knowing what every single square one in the world looks like, I swear to Cow.

To that end, I spent most of today reading from the books I got from the library yesterday. To the casual observer, they might well seem to represent a jumbled pile of random (and slightly odd) interests. But if you line them up in a particular order, they seem to me to clearly spell out a desperation, a cry for help etched into the sands of the beach on which I find myself stranded.

• An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison

The capital letter ‘H’ in HELP ME. The first attempt ever to understand my own experience of this disorder within the context of someone who has also been there. Maybe this square one will prove to be the launch pad into my life I’ve been looking for.

• Touched with Fire by Kay Redfield Jamison

Once the novelty of finding out you’re not alone wears off, the question becomes, now what? This book promises to be an exploration of the multitude of ways in which people with bipolar disorder have managed to be creative and productive.

• A Patient’s Guide to PCOS: Understanding and Reversing Polycystic Ovary Syndrome by Walter Futterweit, M.D.

I’ve been interested in the degree to which my almost-diagnosis of PCOS might be contributing to the difficulties I’ve had lately… perhaps by way of a nasty soup of unbalanced hormones? Seems a little unlikely, but…

• The Hormone Diet by Dr. Natasha Turner

…this book suggests that entire legions of problems, mental, physical and emotional, can be caused by one or more hormonal imbalances, so I decided to look into it, as I am quite desperate about my physical health as well.

• Walking: A Complete Guide to Walking for Fitness, Health and Weight Loss by John Stanton

Which led me to to pick this book up! The hormone book also extols the virtues of walking, and I loved the “foundation” concept of training, and also the idea that I could be training for a marathon or something. I mean, I can barely walk to the car and it takes me over an hour to do the grocery shopping, but hey… dream big, right?

• Walking for Fitness: The Beginner’s Handbook by Marnie Caron

But uh… not too big… this book would be me acknowledging that in the meantime, I’m still very much a bottom rung person.

• Finding our Way Again: The Return of the Ancient Practices by Brian McLaren

Which depressed me so much I started thinking about all the other times I’ve failed, and how hopeless I still feel about ever changing for the better, and then I immediately went for the only thing I know I can count on when all hope is (apparently) lost. God.

• The God of Old: Inside the Lost World of the Bible by James L. Kugel

Specifically, the God of old. The God of Abraham. The God I know from my studies of biblical languages and the ancient documents that didn’t make it into our canon, but which still hold incalculable value for any critical, in-depth study of God and His word.

• The Gospel of Judas edited by Rodolphe Kasser et al.

Like this one! Ever since I read the history of the Gospel of Judas (Bart D. Ehrman), I have been looking for the English translation of the actual gospel. This book also shows how I get so unbelievably sidetracked and eventually wander away from what I started… which brings me back to the beginning of this post.

Please, God. Let this be it. Let this be the launchpad I will remember as being the one that finally sent me on my way to all the things I should be doing!

I just sat on my big butt and talked to my mother on the phone.

For four and a half hours.

Heh.

It’s not depression. I’ve been depressed before, I know how it feels. Or maybe it is depression but I don’t buy into brain chemistry and the need for drugs. The medication doesn’t prevent these episodes, so it’s not the answer. Fighting it is the answer. If only it wasn’t so tiring.

So, efforts. Paying bills, sweeping the floors, doing even just one, exhausting load of laundry. Sticking to a promise to cook healthy meals at home instead of constantly ordering out – even tonight. Even tonight when it was so hard to drag myself to the kitchen and stand over the stove. Perhaps especially tonight. Handmade turkey burgers with guacamole and Monterey Jack cheese with a side of triumphant exhaustion!

Take that, $%@#$ greyness.

I’m like that with music. It’s never enough. No matter how much I love my old favourites (and by now I have thousands of them), I am constantly falling in love with new songs, new artists, whole new genres even. Ishi has no idea how lucky he is – how grateful he should be that I work so hard to keep my music lust in check and how little I spend on new CDs and MP3 downloads. If he even had the first clue that I have said “no” to a new CD at least 150 times before I finally give in and buy one, I’m sure he would be beside himself with gratitude. Right?!

But every once in a while I hear something and the notes go down inside me and awaken a deep, bottomless hunger and I know, just know I have stumbled across something that will change the very shape of the horizons of my life’s soundscape.

Tonight, at the beginning of the final scene of tonight’s episode of Flashpoint, a line from this song played and I was just agog. I can never hear the words, but I heard these: “how many more days can you hold out”. Thanks to Google and some very creative rephrasings, I found it! It’s called “The Sun Is Shining Down” by JJ Grey and Mofro. I wasn’t the only one it impressed; you can hear the whole song here.

I bought the CD within ten minutes of the show ending. I think I found my next old, old favourite.

I may have mentioned a few thousand times that I’ve had a hard winter. My spring has been better, by far, but I am still very much subject to the pitfalls of having not very much to do and all day to avoid doing it. Summer is looking hopeful… but I may need to make an executive decision as to when summer actually starts, if only to relieve Ishi from the burden of coming up with creative new ways to find clean underwear.

In a sort of tongue-in-cheek homage to the colossal waste of the last six months, I thought I’d share the top ten online time sinkholes I’ve grown fond of. I waste time other ways, of course, but in keeping with the nature of the blog, let’s stick with teh intertubes. At the very least, this list should help with the nagging question Ishi must ask every single night: “Just what on earth does she do all day?”

My Top 10 Time Annihilators

In ascending order (least time wasted to most).

10. Facebook This was at one time around 2 or 3, but I figured out that the only way I can f-book is from my BlackBerry. Any other attempt to have Facebook in my life results in a catastrophic loss of time. I am talking time hemorrhage. I give myself an hour every two weeks to stalk everyone’s photos and recent status updates, and that’s it, out of sheer necessity.

9. Cute Overload I find the bunnehs eemposseeble. Many’s the grey morning that has been brightened by redonkulous noses and prosh paws!

8. Disapproving Rabbits I miss the daily dose of disapproval administered to me by my Stupendous Six. They were hilarious and darling, but of course oh-so-disapproving when warranted. This site is awesome.

7. Deviant Art The talent on this site is intriguing. I’ll log on to look for something specific, like a colour palette for a site I’m working on or something and then two hours later, I’m still there, leafing through stunning portfolios with a cold cup of tea at my elbow.

6. Passive Aggressive Notes This one is embarrassing, but I vowed to be honest. I believe wars could be prevented if world leaders were allowed to slip each other notes with heart-dotted “i”s and multiple exclamation points. I find the situations people find themselves in and the notes they write to deal with them absolutely hilarious. Slight warning: The notes themselves are fairly harmless, but the comments are not. Foul and vulgar are a fairly tame way to describe them.

5. Biblical Archaeology Review On the one hand, many would consider something like this site totally out of place on a time-wasters list. I’m subscribed to the print magazine and read it from cover to cover within a week of getting it. Since it only comes out six times a year, I find myself wandering over to the website for the e-features in order to get an extra fix now and again. It seemed to me to be a fairly virtuous waste of time… until a comment calling it “candy for academics” was published in the most recent issue. Now I’m not sure how to categorize my time spent on it!

4. LOLcats / I Can Has Cheezburger? I used to spend a great deal more time on this site, but the bandwagon has been overrun with nitwits who don’t quite understand the genius behind excellent LOLcat humour. It has mostly degenerated to overly obvious and cutesy descriptions of cute cat pictures, but I still find myself combing through the dross to try and find the flakes of pure gold such as the LOLrus and bukkit running gag. I’ve made quite a few of my own and if I ever manage to remember my password, I’ll start posting them here.

3. Our Stage This is an amazing site. Independent musicians of every possible stripe and flavour upload their music here. There is a competition in every genre every month and the fans (that’s us!) judge battles between songs, determining who will be in the finals. My Dad has quite a selection of his music there and I signed up to support him – now I’m hopelessly addicted. It’s fun but it’s also such a privilege to listen to so many truly worthy artists who haven’t been overproduced into a slick, bland package for the masses.

2. Ovusoft Forums I am here way too much. Toni Weschler’s amazing book, Taking Charge of Your Fertility, now comes with a software program to take your charting to the next level. As if that wasn’t cool enough, there is a forum completely dedicated to TTC^[1] and charting. When I started charting I devoured everything I could get my hands on and learned as much as I could. Now I answer questions and help other ladies understand the process, while getting companionship and support from ladies who, like me, have been trying for a while and also, like me, have lost at least one pregnancy. I maintain that I need this support, but I also admit that I’m there for a lot longer every day than I need to be.

1. SparkPeople It’s only been in the last week that Ovusoft Forum isn’t in the number one slot! SparkPeople is the single most valuable online resource I have ever come across for people who need to manage their weight. It’s 100% free. The articles and information presented on the site come from trained and certified professionals who have a passion for healthy living. The site offers sophisticated and easy-to-use tools for setting goals and tracking progress, for tracking nutrition and exercise, and also for watching the pounds go down. There are separate sister sites such as the integrated recipe site where SparkPeople members can share their recipes. I have spent an inordinate amount of time choosing recipes to try and entering my own to get the breakdown of nutritional information in them. It’s probably one of the most eye-opening things I’ve learned in my weightloss journey – how many of my recipes were not at all conducive to my efforts! A lot of it is time well spent, but too much time well spent is still a bit of a waste, so this gets the top spot.

1. TTC stands for Trying To Conceive

April…
Come she will
When streams are ripe and swelled with rain;
May, she will stay,
Resting in my arms, she’ll stay.

June, she’ll change her tune,
In restless walks she’ll prowl the night;
July, she will fly
And give no warning to her flight.

August, die she must,
The autumn winds blow chilly and cold;
September I’ll remember
A love once new has now grown old.

- Simon & Garfunkel

It’s been a long winter. I’ve been caught in grief’s icy undertow more than a few times, and there have been fresh white squalls to try what little strength was left in reserve.

But now the sweetness that is spring is returning… the air is milder and evening comes drifting down so delicately scented that it hurts my heart. Blossoms drop gently from the trees to welcome the tender buds that will transform the valley into a medley of green. It hurts less and less to remember last year and the baby who would have been born just a few weeks ago.

I know that particular ache will never completely ease… rather, just as sweetness lingers, so will the dull, heavy bruise of loss cling to my heart, my skin, my very breath. I will forget about it when the sun shines on me in moments of joy and peace. I will remember when something presses on it, catching me unawares, reminding me. And this is good. This is as it must be and I no longer protest.

Three babies were born in my family this week. Two of them in the last two days. I’m okay, I really am, but that would be a lot for any infertile and it’s definitely a lot for me.

I just need to process it all. But I’ll be okay.

I have to be.

I was horrified. “You mean same old, same old, I have three or four new cavities?!” I had been mentally preparing for the news of one, perhaps two new cavities.

“No! Same old, same old, you need to get those wisdom teeth out. You don’t have any new cavities!”

I never thought I could have an appointment like that. Soon, I will explain what a triumph this is for me!

I was all set to order the Buxton Bag, you know, the one that’s on TV all the time. Apparently you can carry everything you’ve ever worn on your face, two bottles of water, a camera, an umbrella and your neighbour’s cat in this bag. It’s exactly what I need, I swear. I have tried so hard to pare down what I need with me when I leave the house, but no dice. I must either get a bag that will do the job or become an agoraphobic.

Anyway, I was all set to go, credit card in hand, when I stumbled across a blog that said the Buxton bag was for ugly people who didn’t care how they looked. Well, that’s fine. I’m ugly and I don’t care how I look! But the comments section was literally pages and pages of people saying that the bag is a complete rip-off, falls apart at the first touch, and stinks. To high heaven.

Well. That slowed me down. I absolutely hate buying things that I end up having to return. It just takes all the (two atoms’ worth of) fun out of shopping and makes me more anxious the next time I have to buy something. So I thought I’d do a search for organizer bags and then had to use an entire roll of paper towels to soak up the puddle of lustful drool that pooled at my feet.

There are bags and then there are bags. Forget shoes. Never understood that whole issue, but bags… *sigh*

I eventually found nirvana when I clicked on a link that took me to the Planara Expandable Three-Tiered Messenger Bag. It would hold just about everything I could possibly need for a day out, even my camera, and it even has a pocket for my BlackBerry! Bliss! Ecstasy!

My answer to the question I asked at the top is $60.00. I once spent $60 on a Swiss Gear backpack and regretted it within three weeks when one of the straps started to fray. Paying almost $100 for a bag just seems like something other people do – not me!

To be honest, I’m not sure Ishi would speak to me again if I tried to spend a hundred bucks on a bag. What’s really scary is that I’m not sure that wouldn’t be a good trade!