I am so homesick today. Looking through old photos of the last few years just makes me feel worse. I don’t know where I want to be… I just want to be back there somewhere. I want to be that person again, and save myself from all the mistakes I was about to make.

And to save everyone else from theirs.

I can feel it coming. Feel myself slipping. It’s like that terrible panicky moment just before you really fall, when you haven’t yet but you can’t see any way to stop yourself. I truly hate whatever blackness seizes me at these times.

Falling, getting hit, impact of any kind would actually be merciful. There is nothing like this agony of falling in slow motion, each terrifying, hopeless moment dragged out over days and weeks instead of the single moment it should be.

It shouldn’t be happening in May. Winter should be over. I need it to be over.

Down… fell by the wayside
No getting out, oh

Down… Cry me a river
Dried up and damned

The names can be changed
But the place is still the same

I am loaded, told that all’s for naught
Holds me down

Rise… Life is in motion
I’m stuck in line, oh

Rise… You can’t be neutral
On a moving train

One day, symptoms fade
Think I’ll throw these pills away

And if hope could grow from dirt like me
It can be done

Wont let the light escape from me
Wont let the darkness swallow me

Down, Lost Dogs, Pearl Jam.

Today was a blank day, which often follows a bad day, but sometimes just shows up out of nowhere. Blank. Stalled. Something’s got to give, things have got to change, but I’m blank. I don’t know what to do, where to begin, or how I would find the energy even if I did know.

I just know it can’t go on like this. I can’t go on like this.

The anxiety is really bad tonight. Not sure where this crushing sense of dread is coming from. School? Class starts the day after tomorrow. I found out today that the classroom is one where all the seats are chairs with the desks attached to them. They fit tiny people. I am not tiny people.

Last year, I dealt with being in the same kind of classroom by having my therapist contact someone in administration to place an actual desk with an actual chair in the room at the front. I made sure I was always a few minutes early so I could snag it. I was so determined to be there and to do well that I just ignored the fact it must have been obvious to everyone why the new chair and table was there and why I always sat in it.

This year? I feel like I just can’t. I can’t be the difficult one, the weak one, the special one, the one that needs to be accommodated… I just can’t! I’m so sick of it. I’m so tired. I know there is so much in my life to be thankful for and please believe me when I say I am, but I feel like everything is so broken! I feel like a complete mess. Completely out of control.

It’s so bad tonight that I’m even thinking of dropping the one course I am signed up for this semester. It’s Greek. I’m seriously behind in it. I should be in my second year of it and instead I’m only halfway through first-year Greek.

I have three Incompletes^[1] to finish up in the next few weeks and I kind of think being in another course would help me stay on track as far as getting to the library and spending time away from the computer and endless distractions at home. Trust me, my reasoning on this is sound. Between the internet and cable, I could entertain myself for a thousand years.

But what if I just stayed home? I can do the work I need to do without actually being enrolled at the university. I could work on all the countless projects and issues and broken things that are in desperate need of attention. It would be the first semester off in two solid years.

Neither one of them sounds good right now. Maybe things will look better in the morning.

1. Incomplete Grade Contract: I filed for an incomplete grade last semester, which means I have to finish three research papers and a final exam in the next two months to get credit for my three courses last semester. [↩]